The best and worst ways to kill yourself

From a very young age, I have ruminated on how best to die. After decades of deliberation I’ve finally decided.

Best:

1. Shooting yourself on the ledge of a tall height.

Standing at an angle toward the open air, shoot yourself in the head. The force will throw you well over the edge, plummeting you to the ground. The gun shot ought to kill you immediately, and if it doesn’t, the fall certainly will.

Gun shots on their own are not always successful for instant death, high though as they are. Those who survive are permanently brain damaged. The survival rate is unacceptable. Even if one dies from a head shot, if it is not instantaneous, it’s extremely painful. The consequences of survival, or a slow death, are unacceptable. It’s an extremely foolish risk to shoot ones’ self.

Jumping from very tall heights to a hard surface is the most effective way to self-euthanise one’s self. Though it takes only a few seconds, it’s a terrifying way to die, which is why I never pushed myself all the way. Adding a gun shot, however, means you will be dead as you fall through the air, so you overcome the most ghastly aspect of jumping. In a like manner, falling off a tall height ensures the gun shot will not be in vain.

Perfection.

2. Drowning with a heavy weight.

Drowning is slow, painful, and harrowing. Noone can voluntarily drown themselves by sheer willpower because the pain forces one to escape. This is why it’s important to bind one’s self to a heavy weight that cannot be undone when you change your mind. I suggest binding one’s self with a heavy weight such as a 20kg gym weight, a chain, and a lock. On a boat, bind yourself, hold the key in your hand, telling yourself you’ll use it if necessary. As you jump off the boat into the water, toss the key away, and there’s now no turning back, not rising to the surface. In just a few minutes, you will be at eternal peace.

3. Hanging with plastic bag

Hanging yourself is seems quick and easy, but somehow the idea of essentially pulling my neck off (some hangings result in a total decapitation) seems unpleasant. It’s one of the few self-euthanasia methods where you may wish to take the slower way of asphyxiation. It’s quite a tricky method: if you don’t fall correctly you may have your head torn off (extremely painful), or you may die slowly by asphyxiation. Only by the middle-ground will you have the fortune of snapping your neck instantly whilst remaining in one piece.

Adding a plastic bag around your head ensures you will die of asphyxiation in case the rope does not work as you planned.

Though I think this method carries some painful risks, it does at least guarantee success and is not as terrifying as jumping from tall heights. It gets my mark.

The worst? Anything not as effective as the above. Unless you can suggest a better method?

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